Relationship Lessons
from Netflix’s Sex Education Season Two
By Vera Fleischer, MA, MFT
I’m a psychotherapist who has been working with numerous individuals and relationships for over six years. I watch a lot of TV shows about relationships, and I find many of them inspiring as a person and as a therapist. I saw Sex Education Season 1 and thought it was great. This article will entirely focus on Sex Education Season 2 though because while I enjoyed Season 1, it didn’t take my breath away like Season 2 did. There were some real gems in Season 2, and I am going to distill them into a few relationship lessons that I thought might be helpful for those of us who are connected to others in some way. I’m sure I’m skipping over some important lessons from the show but these are the ones that stood out to me.
In my own words: Sex Education is a British Netflix show about a group of teenagers in secondary school in a small English town. The show is centered around presumably straight Otis played by Asa Butterfield (who I am convinced is one of my soulmates, btw - Asa, not Otis), who attends the local school, and some of the most important people in his life, including his divorced sex therapist mom Jean played by Gillian Anderson, and his gay best friend Eric played by Ncuti Gatwa. A few teachers and other high school students of varying social and sexual identities play supporting roles, including a jock, a nerd, a bully, etc. as well as some of Otis’, Jean’s and Eric’s love interests, and the whole show basically revolves around how all of these people navigate their sexuality.
Spoiler alert:
This article may give away some of the events and outcomes of Sex Education Season 2.
Trigger warning:
Some graphic sex talk
Some details of sexual assault
I am going to focus on a few select interactions, each of them between exactly two people, and explore the relationship lesson contained in each of them. With each example I am also going to feature the direct quote from the scene which made my heart skip a beat and cause me to sit mouth agape for a moment. I told you these were gems. Please excuse some of the cheesy titles.
Lesson 1: Boundaries, not punishments
Jean & Otis: In SE2E03 mother and son Jean and Otis are having a fight. They just had a family dinner with their respective significant others that didn’t go well and resulted in both significant others leaving. Otis suggests to his mom that she is not capable of being in a relationship. Jean doesn’t like hearing this and says “Go to your room!” Otis reminds her that he is 16, implying that he is too old to be sent to his room, so Jean comes back with “Fine! Well, then I’ll go to mine!” And she storms upstairs. I just love this as an example of setting a boundary in a self-responsible way. Jean was tempted to be authoritarian and punish Otis but when he challenged her, she resisted the temptation. She didn’t need to control or punish Otis, so she didn’t, and she was still able to protect herself and hold her boundary. This may be obvious to many, and I believe it bears repeating: When you’re upset, you can set boundaries that protect you from further harm without punishing or controlling the other person.
Source: Netflix Jean walks away from Otis
Lesson 2: Listen to your friends
Otis & Eric: In S02E05 Otis and Eric go on an excursion with Otis’ dad. During this excursion the two boys confront each other about their dating choices. Otis challenges Eric around continuing to make out with the former school bully Adam, claiming Eric’s self-hatred as the underlying reason. Eric challenges Otis around continuing to see one girl when he’s really in love with another. Both boys gets defensive and push back. And both boys also have a point. In the end they each apologize for what they said to the other, and they also each take to heart what the other one said and start making choices accordingly. This was a great reminder that sometimes when someone says something hurtful, they might be trying to protect you from something even more hurtful. It was also a great reminder to listen to what people you trust say about your relationship dynamics, even if it feels uncomfortable to hear it. I don’t really have a great scene quote to go with this one other than “I’m sorry […]. You were right.”
Source: Netflix Otis and Eric have a repair
Lesson 3: Stand up to toxic behavior
Eric & Adam: In S02E06 Eric actually puts lesson 2 into practice. He heeds his friend Otis’ warning and stands up for himself against the treatment he’s been receiving from Adam. Adam confronts him about no longer participating in their nightly adventures that involve making out. Eric acknowledges that he did stop coming, and when Adam asks what he did wrong, Eric says “You bullied me for years, Adam.” I have worked with quite a few clients who were dating someone that was habitually hurting them, whether this was through bullying or other toxic behavior. Eric is not unkind to Adam in any way but he does clearly state what is not okay with him anymore. This is an empowering choice for Eric. Saying no to hurtful behavior is saying yes to yourself. Eric’s assertiveness also allows Adam to acknowledge that he is scared.
Source: Netflix Eric advocates for himself
Lesson 4: It’s not you, it’s my sexual assault
Aimee & Steve: In S02E06 Aimee who is haunted by images of the kind-looking man who had sexually assaulted her on a bus recently pushes her boyfriend Steve’s hand away when they are dancing together and then runs off. A lot of interactions lately are reminding her of the sexual assault, and she is in a persistent trauma state because of it. Steve runs after Aimee. “I don’t like you touching me anymore,” Aimee says. And when Steve protests by saying that he’s her boyfriend, Aimee adds “I don’t think I want a boyfriend. I’m sorry.” Their relationship up until that point had been nurturing and supportive. Steve had been treating her with kindness and respect but the memories of Aimee’s sexual assault were stronger. She needed to push him away in order to feel safe. When you have experienced sexual abuse, you might feel like pushing away even the most caring and benevolent partners. The best thing your partner can do in that case is to be understanding and give you space in order to heal.
Source: Netflix Aimee faces Steve
Lesson 5: Anger is a tool against shame
Adam & Ola: In S02E06 Ola runs into Adam in the middle of the night after a party. The person Ola had been dating had just made some really hurtful public comments about her at the party. Ola is furious and starts kicking a tree and then throwing her shoe. Her shoe happens to land on Adam who asks her why she is throwing a shoe. Ola says emphatically “I’m angry.” Adam understands and asks her if she wants to go smash some shit. He has a habit of finding abandoned places and objects in the middle of the night and destroying them. Adam also happens to carry a lot of shame. Even though not named explicitly, it’s quite possible that in this moment Ola is also experiencing shame after what was just said about her at the party. I would be if I were in her shoes. Shame can lead to anger, and while this anger can be very destructive if used against the people who care about us, anger can also burn through shame and allow for connection. When we’re in shame, it is almost impossible to connect with others because the shame encourages us to hide or wall off. But when we let the shame-fueled anger move through us and use it constructively, at the end of it our shame will have burnt off or gotten destroyed, at least for the moment. This is what Adam has learned how to do and is able to offer to others. And it’s one of the only ways Adam is able to connect with others for the time being. He facilitates Ola’s connection with her own anger and helps her keep shame at bay.
Source: Netflix Ola and Adam smash some stuff
Lesson 6: Be real about your readiness
Rahim & Anwar: Also in S02E06 (that was a real powerhouse of an episode) Rahim and Anwar are talking at a party. Anwar asks Rahim for advice about douching. Rahim asks why he doesn’t talk to his boyfriend about it, and Anwar says that he’s embarrassed to talk about it. Rahim responds: “If you’re not ready to talk about douching with your boyfriend, you’re not ready to have his cock in your ass.” To me, this was a serious mic drop moment. Again, it might be obvious to many, and I also think that many of us are not ready to talk about a variety of things with the people we are intimate with, and this can lead to problems. So here are some questions I’d like to ask, just as an exploration:
If you’re not ready to talk to your partner about douching, are you ready to have their cock in your ass?
If you’re not ready to talk to your partner about your fear of abandonment, are you ready to get physically naked with them?
If you’re not ready to talk to your partner about your habit of self-medicating, are you ready to go on vacation with them?
If you’re not ready to talk to your partner about something that bothers you, are you ready to move in with them?
If you’re not ready to talk to your partner about your sexual desires, are you ready to marry them?
Source: Netflix Anwar and Rahim get real
These are just examples. I’m not trying to be prescriptive or suggest that anyone should feel bad for feeling shy, ashamed or afraid about addressing a particular topic. We all deal with our various limitations, boundaries and hangups. And I do think it’s important to be aware of the unsaid and unsayable things at each stage of a relationship and how these might have unintended consequences down the road. When looking at all the examples above, I can think of a few different ways that each of them could muddy, complicate or even sabotage a relationship now or later on. Sometimes the truth can set you free which brings me to the last lesson..
Lesson 7: There is relief in the truth
Jackson & Sofia: In S02E07 Jackson has a candid conversation with one of his moms. His moms, Sofia in particular, have been pressuring Jackson to excel at swimming. He had resorted to self-harming behavior in order to get a break from swimming, had joined the school play, and was now considering self-harming again in order to avoid rejoining the swim team, all while keeping this a secret from his moms. Sofia, who is not Jackson’s biological mom, had been worried that without his swimming they wouldn’t have a connection. In this conversation they finally acknowledge the truth. Sofia acknowledges her insecurity about not being his “real mum.” Jackson finally acknowledges: “I don’t want to swim anymore. “ Sofia mouths, “I know,” which just broke my heart in a good way. Sometimes “I know” is just the most supportive and compassionate thing a person can say. Jackson then adds, “But it’s got nothing to do with our relationship.” And he assures her that she always has been and always will be his real mum. The whole conversation made me swoon. Sometimes when we finally acknowledge difficult truths, new paths to each other can emerge.
Source: Netflix Sofia and Jackson open up
Very lastly, this is not a relationship lesson but I want to talk about another scene because it took my breath away.
“Lesson” 8: Recovery is possible
Maureen & Adam: This scene made me long to have a teenage son one day. In S02E05 Maureen is in the kitchen feasting on a mango of which she just bought a bunch against her husband’s will. She calls Adam down from his room. This is a mother and son pair. They are both in recovery from bullying. They are also the wife and son of the school principal who is mostly an unempathetic bully. Adam was the school bully in Season 1. Maureen says to Adam: “I’m divorcing your father.” Then after a beat she says, “Would you like some mango?” Adam wordlessly takes the mango and starts eating. To me, this scene represents the possibility of healing for both of them, possibly also including the school principal’s healing to whom Maureen is finally standing up. Both Maureen and Adam are experiencing their own version of realizing that their life cannot continue the way it has—Maureen around her marriage and Adam around his behavior with peers—and now recovery can slowly seep in.
Source: Netflix Adam and Maureen share a moment
