How to Find Your Overlapping YES-es (& Discuss Boundaries) in Sex with a Partner & Navigate Boundaries (No's)

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Q & A:

Question:

How do you talk about the NO list?

Answer:

Gently and honestly while not having sex.

Discuss it in a neutral environment and possibly with the support of a professional sex therapist or intimacy coach.

Our partnered sexuality is comprised of our matching yeses and the possible exploration of maybe’s and the respect of boundaried NO’s. This is a fun and interesting activity to share with a partner: get out paper and write your yes please, maybe and hard boundaries and then see what parts of your overlapping sexuality you have to play and explore with.

Also this conversation can lead to deepened intimacy around sharing and understanding each other’s boundaries.

Keep in mind that this is a vulnerable discussion and treat it with extra respect and care.

Share your No List honestly and gently- when you are not having sex (much easier then in the moment). You can have a discussion about boundaries, and things you don’t necessarily feel comfortable with). One structured way is to invite your partner(s) to each write down a list of yes, no and maybe sexual activities. Then use that list to reference in your candid conversation about your possible shared sexual interests as well as the areas that you explicitly do not want to do (NO = Boundary).

Having a structured way of sharing your desires (yes), possibilities (maybe) and boundaries (no) to cultivate an open and authentic intimacy building experience in conversation.

Also, if you think you can benefit from the skilled and non-judgmental support from a third party, a professionally trained sexologist or sex therapist, they can help you facilitate the exploration and conversation. At San Francisco Intimacy & Sex Therapy Centers, we have dozens of practitioners locally and also globally that are available to help in such matters.

In all matters of sex, consent is vital and a NO or even a MAYBE is a boundary. If a partner disregards that, or pressures you, then deeper relational issues need to be addressed. Alternatively, if you are struggling to speak your needs and boundaries, a relationship counselor can help.

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